This Weekend

Recently, I have been struggling with the pain that still lingers after forgiveness. The trauma has been forgiven meaning I am no longer bound however, I am still forever changed & still feel the pain of things past.  I've been struggling with having forgiven but not having been forgiven. I have been struggling with being humble when others are so freely selfish. I have been struggling with watching friends make choices that are less than desirable and not being able to do anything about it. Thankfully, I serve a God who listens & knows me better than anyone.

This Sunday, I attended a church where most of my family attends. Worship spoke directly to me. I had spent much of my weekend being anxious, confused, & defeated. I was discouraged. As I stood in the darkened sanctuary & worship was led by a team of men and women who were using their God-given talents, two of which I am blessed to be related to, tears filled my eyes. The lyrics spoke the promises from Christ that I needed to hear. I was surrounded by song, I was delivered from my enemies, God's love was bigger than the hearts of stone in this world, my strength is weak but HE is strong, I owe it all to Him, in Him, I am made COMPLETE.

I sat down and reached for my Bible & notebook to take notes as the pastor began his sermon. I expected that the worship was all I needed & God had done his encouraging for the service. How wrong I was. The sermon text was on James 1. I thought to myself, ah God I hear you, you aren't done.
"Consider it all great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the trusting of your faith produces endurance. but endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

This past weekend, this past fall, really, the past three years have been heavy with one particular trial. I have read this verse a lot over the course of the past three years. The sermon's focus was on treasuring the difficulty in our lives. I had been seeking to find the positive in the up and downs of the trial & to hold fast to the promise that God was using it for good in my life. However, I was feeling discouraged & I truly believe that God was using this church service to speak to me.

The difficulty in life is to be cherished. If you try to cherish your trial, affliction, difficulty in your own strength, you will fail. We in our selfish, weak flesh cannot embrace the pain, hurt, unfairness, trauma, & abuse & say "Yes, I want more of this!!". How sweet it is to know that God is able. With God I have been able to forgive & pray daily for someone who hates me, with God I have been able to forgive myself for my past mistakes, with God, I seek to consider others better than myself regardless of their actions. with God, I have been convicted of my prideful nature.

Tonight as I sat in my youth room & listened to my youth pastor teach, he referenced a verse. Ephesians 4:32 says " And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ."  Yet another confirmation of God's work in my life. How can I not be encouraged to forgive when God's Word so plainly commands me too?!

This may not be the most eloquent, put together blog post. Nor the most organized. I felt the Lord speak to me & wanted to put it down in words. I doubt anyone will ever read this but if you happen to, I hope you are encouraged by Christ's power in my weakness.